I had the momentary desire to pull a prank on my boys today but I couldn't think of anything that would be actually funny. It occurred to me that, while not ALWAYS true, April fools jokes are more often mean spirited than funny. The whole idea of tricking someone into thinking something shocking, whether it would be a happy thing or not, is just...well....it's just not always so funny to the person being tricked.
I sound like a party pooper I guess.
When I woke up this morning, there was the little girl in me that wanted sooooo much to pull a fast one on my family. To tell them something that would make them gasp...and then, say in a sing-song fashion, "Aprilllll Foooooools!" But, I couldn't think of anything funny. I couldn't think of anything silly.
All I could think about was that this is the month. April. This is the month that has haunted our lives for the past three years. April. This is the month when we lost them. April. This was our season of loss. And it still is.
I rolled over and hugged my rainbow baby close to me.
And I cried.
I thought to myself, "There is nothing at all funny about loss."
And, I breathed. I tried to follow her sleepy breathing. I cuddled against her downy hair.
And I cried some more. For all the mama's who don't have the rainbows I know they wanted so deeply. For all the mama's who know loss like the jagged rip I feel acutely this morning.
Who know how painful emptiness can feel.
I see the blue sky creeping out from under storm clouds that left my lawn damp. The light is starting to peek out in streaming beams.
My cheeks feel taut from the salt tears that soaked them this morning.
I know my boys will each play a trick on me today. And, I will laugh...and maybe forget for a moment how raw this pain felt in the wee hours before anyone else was awake...and I'll be grateful for all the wonderfulness I am surrounded with...and I'll know I am just about as lucky as anyone has ever been....
And they will still be gone.
They will still only be a whisper.
Their ashes dissolved into soil.
I think I'll take my rainbow girl to the gully today. I think I need to spend some time there with her.
It's funny...somehow I believe that she knows Simon and Alexander better than all of us.
Somehow, I believe she will understand.
It's no joke...but, it's funny all the same. Funny in exactly the way I would expect April 1st to be.